dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
