The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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