I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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