Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
organizing the empties. That sober.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
