I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
