so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
3pm strippers are depressing
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
