Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
