Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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