I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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