it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
