does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
