She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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