she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
What a dumb baby whore.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
