just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
