the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"