Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
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Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
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dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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