Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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