maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
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They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
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I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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