You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I smell stomach acid.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Randomize
