Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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