she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
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