How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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