Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My ass is underappreciated
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.