1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno