I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
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There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
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I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.