I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
