I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
