Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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