is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
