Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
