those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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