dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
