Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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