Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
