my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
