I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
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My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
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Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
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