It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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