The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
did i just pee glitter
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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