i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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