We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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