weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We have so much sex to catch up on
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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