Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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