dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
