A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
