but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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