I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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