I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
