you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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