i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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