I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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