How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
