Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
