"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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