chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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