Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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