I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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