Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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